That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
