you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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