Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
