fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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