Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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