i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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