i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
