it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
