how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
