Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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