god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
