Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
