A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
