***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
