did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
