did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
