Your dad touched me again.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
