Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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