idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
