your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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