..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
