There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
