my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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