she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
