You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
