So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
