just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
