FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
