I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
