well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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