probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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