oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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