I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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