Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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