can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
