The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
