Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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