So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
