I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
