Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
