she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
