My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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