yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
