Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
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