I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
