onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
