Why does Corona taste like a burp?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
