She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
