I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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