so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
